Receiving Criticism as a Leader

As a senior leader in a small team, criticism rarely arrives through formal channels. It comes in quick moments: a team member hesitates before agreeing, a peer

Level: Senior leader
Setting: Small team
Core skill: Listening without defending
Common pitfall: Getting defensive
Practice to try: A thank-you-and-think pause

What this looks like in real work

As a senior leader in a small team, criticism rarely arrives through formal channels. It comes in quick moments: a team member hesitates before agreeing, a peer mentions that a decision felt rushed, or someone says, "Can I give you some feedback?" These moments are informal and immediate. You might be walking between meetings, answering a chat message, or wrapping up a stand-up. The criticism itself is often brief and specific, but it lands in a space where you are used to being the one with answers. For example, a team member might say, "When you changed the plan yesterday, I felt like my input didn't matter." Or a colleague might note, "You seemed frustrated in the meeting, and it shut down discussion." In a small team, everyone sees everyone, so your reaction is visible. There is no buffer of hierarchy or distance. The work is close, the stakes feel personal, and the feedback often touches on your style or tone as much as your decisions. Receiving criticism well here means staying open in a setting where you cannot hide behind process. It means hearing the message without immediately explaining, correcting, or justifying. The real work is not just absorbing the words but showing that you can hold them without making the other person regret speaking.

Why it trips people up

Defensiveness is a natural response to perceived threat. When someone criticises your leadership, it can feel like an attack on your competence or character. Your brain quickly moves to protect your self-image, and that often shows up as explaining, minimising, or counter-attacking. In a small team, this reaction is amplified because you cannot easily step away. You are the leader, and everyone is watching how you handle the moment. If you get defensive, the message gets lost, and the other person learns that giving you feedback is risky. Another reason it trips people up is the pressure to appear decisive and confident. Senior leaders are often expected to have the answers, so admitting that a criticism might be valid can feel like a loss of authority. But in a small team, authority is built on trust, not on being infallible. The more you defend, the more you distance yourself from the people who need to work with you. There is also the speed of small-team life. Feedback often comes in passing, and you may not have time to process it before responding. That lack of pause makes it easy to react from habit rather than intention. Over time, defensiveness can become a pattern that silences honest input, leaving you with less information and a team that is less willing to speak up.

The mistake that quietly hurts

The quiet mistake is not the occasional sharp reply; it is the slow erosion of candour. When you get defensive, even in small ways, people notice. They may not confront you about it, but they adjust. They stop sharing the half-formed concerns, the early warnings, and the personal observations that help you lead well. In a small team, this loss is felt quickly. You might find that meetings become more polite but less honest, that problems surface later, or that people agree in the room and disagree in private. The hurt is quiet because it does not show up as a single dramatic event. It shows up as a team that stops taking risks with you. Another part of this mistake is that defensiveness often looks like problem-solving. You might think you are just clarifying or offering context, but the other person experiences it as pushback. They came to you with something vulnerable, and you responded with logic. That mismatch teaches them that your need to be right is more important than their need to be heard. Over time, this can damage your reputation as a leader who listens. People may still respect your title, but they will not trust you with the truth. And in a small team, the truth is the most valuable resource you have.

A practice you can repeat

One concrete practice is the thank-you-and-think pause. When someone offers criticism, your first job is to buy yourself a moment without shutting them down. The practice has three steps: thank, pause, and think aloud. First, thank the person for speaking up. This does not mean you agree; it means you acknowledge the risk they took. Second, pause. Take a breath, count to three, or simply let a second of silence sit. This pause interrupts your defensive reflex and gives you time to choose your response. Third, think aloud in a way that shows you are considering the message. You might say, "I want to make sure I understand. Can you tell me more about what that looked like from your side?" Or, "That is not how I saw it, and I am glad you told me. Let me sit with it." The key is to avoid explaining, justifying, or correcting in the first thirty seconds. Your only goal is to receive the message and show that you are taking it seriously. You can always follow up later with your perspective, questions, or a plan. By then, the other person will feel heard, and you will have had time to think. This practice is repeatable because it works in any setting: a hallway conversation, a video call, or a quick message. It turns a moment of threat into a moment of trust.

What to say and do

In the moment, your words and body language matter more than your internal reaction. Start with a simple acknowledgement. You can say, "Thank you for telling me. I know that is not easy." This signals that you value the feedback and the person. If you need more information, ask an open question: "Can you help me understand what I did that came across that way?" This keeps the focus on their experience rather than your intention. Avoid phrases like "I was just trying to..." or "You misunderstood." Those shut down the conversation. If you notice yourself getting defensive, name it lightly and buy time: "I notice I want to explain, but I would rather hear you out first." This shows self-awareness and keeps the door open. After the conversation, follow up. A short message like "I have been thinking about what you said, and I want to make sure I got it right" shows that you did not just listen in the moment but took it seriously. In a small team, these follow-ups are powerful because they demonstrate consistency. You can also ask for feedback proactively: "What is one thing I could do differently to support you better?" This normalises the practice and reduces the sting when criticism comes. The goal is not to be perfect but to be approachable. When people believe you can hear hard things without retaliating, they will bring you problems earlier, when they are still small and solvable.

When the stakes get higher

In a small team, some criticism carries more weight because it touches on values, fairness, or the team's survival. For example, someone might say that your behaviour feels inconsistent or that they no longer trust your decisions. These moments are harder because the stakes are not just about a single task; they are about your relationship and your credibility. When the stakes get higher, the thank-you-and-think pause becomes even more important. You may feel a strong urge to defend yourself, especially if the criticism feels unfair or public. But defending in a high-stakes moment can turn a difficult conversation into a conflict. Instead, slow down. Acknowledge the seriousness: "I hear that this is important, and I want to give it the attention it deserves." Then ask for specifics and time. You might say, "I need to think about this properly. Can we talk again tomorrow?" This does not mean avoiding the issue; it means giving yourself space to respond thoughtfully rather than reactively. In a small team, high-stakes criticism often comes from people who care deeply about the work. They are not trying to undermine you; they are trying to protect something they value. If you can receive their concern without making it about your ego, you can often repair and strengthen the relationship. The key is to stay curious, even when you feel exposed. That is when listening without defending matters most.

Questions new leaders ask

Q: What if the criticism is simply wrong? A: You can still listen without agreeing. Thank the person, ask questions to understand their perspective, and say you will think about it. Later, you can share your view calmly. Listening first does not mean you accept every claim; it means you respect the person enough to hear them out.

Q: How do I stop myself from getting defensive in the moment? A: Use the thank-you-and-think pause. Focus on your breath, thank them, and ask a question instead of explaining. If you slip, you can repair it: "I am sorry, I started defending. Can you say that again? I want to listen." Repairing quickly often builds more trust than never slipping at all.

Q: What if the feedback comes from someone who is upset or not being fair? A: Separate the delivery from the message. You can acknowledge their emotion without accepting their framing. Say, "I can see you feel strongly about this. Help me understand what happened from your side." Then decide later what is useful. In a small team, staying calm and curious is more important than winning the exchange.